Hollow Blade
by Elements of Light
Summary: Kairi is drowning. Riku's keeps dying. . And Martha Stewart has gone completely insane. Things seem to be completely normal on Destiny Islands! Nope, nothing out of the ordinary! ..Until now.. Please Read and Review! ([-CHAPTER THREE IS UP!-])
1. Doominess of Sea Turtles

**Hollow Blade: Chapter 1 -- **Doominess of Sea Turtles**  
Author: **Euro   
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It was a beautiful day on Destiny Islands that morning! The birds were shining! The sun was chirping! And Kairi was... drowning in the ocean.   
  
"OH MY GAWDZ, SORUH!!!1111111one!11" screamed Riku in a preppish, girl voice. "Kairi's drowning!" he screamed, pointing to a purple-headed freak waving it's arms around crazily in the two-foot-deep water.   
  
"Pssh, why don't you save her?" Sora argued.  
  
"Last time Square made me go out in the ocean for the opening FMV, I was almost eaten alive by sea turtles!"  
  
**FLASHBACK**   
  
**Riku: **::is standing in the water, holding his hand out to Sora, as a giant wave starts to form behind him::  
  
**Sora: **::gasps and runs into the water:: O.O!  
  
**Giant Wave:** ::takes off its costume and is revealed to be an oversized sea turtle:: FOOD!!! ::glomps Riku, and drags him into the ocean and snuggles with him::  
  
**Riku:** LYKE OMZZZ!1 HELP ME!1 I'M A LOSER & I NEVR LERNED HOW 2 SWIM!11 LOLZ??????///" ::drowns::  
  
**Square-soft and Disney Interactive: **o.O; Oops ::replaces Riku with a platypus:: n.n;;  
  
**PRESENT DAY  
  
**Sora giggled insanely, rolling around on the sand, combusting into pudding bowls. Riku pouted at Sora's taunting. "Its not funny!" he stated in a childish manner.   
  
Sora recollected his body back into a normal state, and stood up. "Just for your sake, I'll save her this time. But if she ever falls into a pull of molten hot lava, you'll be the one to save her, you pathetic fool."  
  
"'kay!" Riku said smiling, completely oblivious to the world around him.   
  
Sora ripped off his black and white hoody (though it somehow magically grew back...) and dove deep into the ocean. Liquid waves of blue perfection lapped against his body, as wet grains of sand brushing up against his feet. The beautiful sun shone off of the water. The cold mist from the crashing waves crested numbly in Sora's nose. Splashes of salt water lapped against his lips -- he could taste the salty water in his mouth. He finally reached the young, worried girl known as Kairi, who's arms and legs were flailing in the cool liquid. Quickly, he put his tired arms around her waist, and began to pull her back to shore.   
Sora and Kairi emerged from the cold water, gasping for air after such an eventful pursuit. Sora lie Kairi's limp body on the warm sand, her eyes closed, and her damp lips pressed together, with strands of purple hair hanging over her face. She wasn't breathing.   
  
"Sora, you know what you have to do." Muttered Riku, wiping a warm tear away from his eye.  
  
Bravely, Sora nodded. He brushed his brown, spiky hair from his eyes, and put his fingers on Kairi's nose. With this, he took in a deep breath until his lungs were full, held it, then put his lips on Kairi's. Quickly, he released the air into Kairi's tired lungs.  
  
That's when Kairi's oversized head consumed Sora's body, into a pit of everlasting darkness.   
  
  
  
**THAT AFTERNOON  
  
  
** Selphie and Tidus sat in the secret spot, coloring in their "My Very First Coloring Book! (Ages 4+). They both giggled insanely as they scribbled mercilessly outside of the **bold** edges of the pictures, where they were supposed to color.   
  
"He-he, look at mine, Teedus!" Selphie screamed at the top of her lungs, which caused rocks to fall from the ceiling, conveniantly landing on Ansem's head, who has not appeared in this story until just now. She held up a picture of starfish, that had green, yellow, hot pink, and burnt orange colors scribbled outside of the lines, in such a sloppy manner, that it almost made you sick to your stomach.  
  
Warm, salty tears streamed down the face of Tidus. How long could he take this shame and embarrassment? It was impossible to bear such a heavy burden anymore. He couldn't take it. With that, he jumped from his seated position on the dirt, and dashed out of the cave in tears, shouting back, "My name is not "Tee-dus"! It's "Tie-dus", you meanie!" ...The poor child hit his head on the door on his way out.  
  
Selphie stood there, wondering what the shoe platypus duck monkeys just happened. That's when he pranced back into the Secret Spot. "Wanna see my picture now?!" he screamed merrily, now over the issue of his name.  
  
"LOLZZZ!!!111 OKAY!11oneoneone!1!1~~98"  
  
  
**ON THE BEACH  
  
**After -- somehow -- escaping the doom of Kairi's oversized head, Sora lie in the warm sand, resting his eyes. Rays of heat and warmth from the sun rained down on his body. Unconsciousness flooded his mind, as he let the sound of the loud crashing of ocean waves carry him away into a deep slumber. He lie there in the warm sand, sleeping, dreaming, slipping away into a state of un-being. He fell... into darkness.  
  
Sora's adventure began here.  
  
...  
  
...No wait, it was more like here.  
  
...A little to the left.  
  
Yeah, right about there. ...Yeah.  
  
  
  
  
  
Okay, I know. ^_^; It sucked. I haven't written in forever. Sorry it took so long to update. I've been busy with a lot of stuff. Such as... not doing anything. Which is a lot of stuff. o.o It is. I don't care what your parents tell you!!!  
  
...I think I'll just shaddup now. Review, Flame, Etc!


	2. Kairi's Head of Scurriness

**  
Hollow Blade: Chapter 2 -- Kairi's Head of Scurriness  
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--  
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Disclaimer: ** Wow. I feel old. I haven't written a disclaimer in ages. -shrug- Mmkay, here it goes [just so I won't get sued by Squenix. -glances over at Squenix employees, with briefcases and suits-]. I do not own Kingdom Hearts, or any other companies or objects directly related to in this chapter. Thankyou for your time and waffles.  
  
  
- - -  
  
  
  
Sora's eyelids shot open, as a cold sweat broke out on his palms, face, and neck. He woke up in a wave of heat and fright, with his mouth dry and sticky. He could feel the lump in his dry throat rise. Sora leaned up and looked around, then wiped the sweat from his forehead and eyebrows. He was lying in the sand of Destiny Islands, just where he was before. The sun was brighter than ever, the waves crashed loudly in front of him, and the birds in the trees were chirping. It was just a dream, he tried to convince himself. Sora looked up at the sky to look at the calming-white, fluffy clouds--but instead, the sky was completely eclipsed due to Kairi's oversized head, which just happened to be hovering right above him.  
  
Sora screamed in terror and fright, at the sight of that huge... thing getting so close to his face. Kairi giggled insanely at Sora, completely ignoring the fact that her head was blocking the sun from the island, causing it to freeze over and snow.  
  
Sora, you lazy rum swigger! she giggled happily, not even knowing what she was saying.  
  
Sora pondered at what was, and wondered if the idiot author put that line in the story to make it rhyme with her actual line from the script.  
  
I thought I'd find you boozing down here! she smiled innocently, as Sora leaned up and put on an over-sized winter coat.  
  
But I had this dream that this huge black thing swallowed me up! What was that thing ... So bizzare... Sora pondered.  
  
A random person walked past the two of them. You would THINK that he would make a sarcasatic comment right about now, wouldn't you? About Kairi's head? No, I'm not going to over-use that joke. So hah! ...The person tripped over a conveniantly-positioned platypus, and fell into a pool of molten hot lava, because the silly author felt like it. (^_^;)  
  
Yeah, sure... Kairi murmured. Hey, wanna go get drunk?!  
  
Sora ignored her question and moved on. Say, Kairi. What was your home town like? He asked, sitting on his knees, glaring his shimmery blue eyes at Kairi. The young girl put her hands behind her back and started rambling on about how she came from a magical, beautiful place called a "Thrift Shop.   
  
  
**HOURS LATER...**  
  
Suddenly, a young teen known as Riku walked into the scene. He ran his smoothe hands through his soft, silvery hair, which wavered elegantly in the gentle breeze of the tropical wind. His shimmering, sparkling green eyes were dazzling and mezmorizing. He was dressed in a very cool stylish blue, silver, yellow, and black outfit, with blue and grey shoes. His light skin made his green eyes radiate with such a strange glow, that they drew a good amount of attention to his face. In his left hand, he carried a log that he had ripped out of its roots with his own bare hands. Riku chuckled at the sight of the two, young, playful kids rambling on about unimportant things that made no sense whatsoever.  
  
he began. I guess I'm the only one working on the ra-- but before he could finish his sentence, giant rabid purple monkeys came and devoured his body, while afterwards, Martha Stewart jumped out of the bushes -- wearing a Mary Poppins outfit -- and stole his leftover bones, to use them as lovely little decour candles, that will dazzle all of your guests when they enter your lovely home!. Yes, he died a savage, gory death. All that was left of Riku was left ear. Which did not exist. At all.  
  
Sora and Kairi stared blankly.  
  
  
**THAT EVENING...  
**  
  
WHERE IS MY PUDDING?! Selphie screamed frantically, searching around the shack for her missing pudding bowl. LYKE OMZZ she spazzed.  
  
That's when Wakka came into the scene. Gently, he shut the door to the shack behind him, and lay his blitzball down on a near by crate. Selphie eyes pierced at Wakka. She stiffened her arms, made a puffy face, and marched up to Wakka.  
  
o0o0o0o! Whatsup......................................... he started.  
  
Selphie glared at him.  
  
  
  
..continually.  
  
..........., man?  
  
Selphie snapped. YOU KNOW WHATSUP YOU EVIL, EVIL, EVIL DOG-HEARTED, UNMUZZLED, RABID, BEAST-MINDED, NO-GOOD, USELESS, FILTHY, MANGEY, UGLY, DEFORMED, IGNORANT...  
  
Wakka completely ignored her annoying rambling, and walked out of the room, to go hang out with Tidus.  
  
Selphie didn't even bother noticing that he had left until minutes after he had already exited the shack. OF ALL THE MORONS.... she said, her flushed, red eyes sizzling hot. Her face turned hot pink, her hair caught on fire, and she suddenly exploded into sugar-free popsicles! Yay!  
  
**ON RIKU'S ISLAND**  
  
I miss Riku being here, Kairi sighed.  
  
I miss being able to watch Lizzy McGuire without Disney using subliminal messages... Sora sighed.  
  
**...Falshback....  
**  
**Sora:** No Lizzie! Don't get mad to Gordo for using a chainsaw on your little brother! He didn't mean anything!  
  
**TV:** ::Starts flashing sublinimal images.  
  
~long pause~  
  
**Sora:** Hey, I think I'm gonna go buy some Disney products now...  
  
**Moogle:** Wha-?  
  
**Sora:** ::grabs moogle:: LETS GO BUY HILLARY DUFF CLOTHES!!!! ::prances off to the Disney store to buy Lizzie McGuire merchandise::  
  
**Present Day...**  
  
Kairi nodded, then looked up at the purple sky. She was in deep thought. But something threw her off. Something caught her eye that was was most brilliant, that disrupted her train of thought. Hey, what's that? She questioned, pointing to something above the island  
  
Hanging in the heavenly stars, there seemed to be a shimmering trail of light that flustered elegantly across the night wind. It almost resembled a shooting, or falling, star.   
  
Sora screamed bloody murder. OHH MY GAWDZ!!11 LOL, ITZ COMING DISS WAY!11 OMFG!11 LYKE RUUUNNN!111!!!1oneoneoneonecheeseisyummy!!11 He yelled, wavinghis arms around frantically. Kairi tilted her head at the young, confused brunette, who was panicking and screaming for dear life.  
  
What do you mean it's coming towards us? she pondered, then looked up to the sky. The shimmering meteor, in fact, WAS heading towards them. Kairi closed her eyes, tighten her lips, and nodded. She gently and slowly stood up from the largre palm tree, brushed her hair behind her ears, and stood in the center of Riku's Island. Then she, too, started running around in circles, screaming, LYKE OMGOMG!!1  
**  
SOMEWHERE IN THE SECRET SPOT  
**  
Ansem, the fierce lord of Darkness and evil, pranced around merrily, holding a small sea shell in his hand. He bounced on the rocks and laughed. I found a sea shell, I found a sea shell, blah blah blah blah blah blah! he giggled insanely. The sea shell bit his hand, and he started gushing blood from the wound.  
  
He let go of the silly shell, and watched it bounce off and hide behind a near by rock.  
  
DEMONIC FORCES OF EVIL... he screamed, his eyes watering from the little cut that the sea shell left. Bunnies, leprochauns, unicorns, Teletubbies, flowers, cookies, butterflies, lollipops, and Martha Stewart all appeared behind Ansem. With that, the bunnies and what-not lunged themself at the chibi shell, and hugged it until it exploded into sugary goodness! Yum!  
  
said Ansem, prancing around in the cave.. thing again.  
  
screamed the Demonic Forces of Evil.  
  
But something shook the ground rapidly, causing Ansem to trip over a rock, and fall on his tooth. The fall knocked two of Ansem's front teeth out.  
  
  
**OUTSIDE...**  
  
The ground shook violantly as walls of fire rushed against the island. Wave after wave, a huge explosion released heat, fire, and dangerous, crushing waves of centrifical force. Trees were knocked down in the burning waves, as Destiny Islands buildings were blown into shattered fragments of wood. Birds decentigrated into nothing but ashes and dry bone, trying to escape from the blasts from explosions, yet failed.  
  
After the aftermath of the impact was over, there was nothing left on the island except for rubble, ash, smoke, and burning wood. Everything was destroyed. Everyone had died.  
  
All... except for one person.......  
  
**  
IN THE SECRET SPOT...**  
  
WHAT THE SHOE-CRACKERS WAS **_THAT_**?! Ansem screamed in a girly voice at the top of his lungs, dancing around to Brittany Spears music.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
**Well, this chapter was, um. Interesting. I love leaving you guys on a cliff hanger like this. ^_^  
  
What will Ansem do? Is everyone -really- dead? Why did the meteor fall onto the island? Will Kairi's oversized head ever shrink? Will I ever stop using retorical questions that get on everyone's nerves?  
  
Random Person: **No.**  
Me: **Oh, okay.**  
  
  
Review, flame, etc! ^^; (I promise the next chapter will make more sense, and be more funny.)  
  
  
  
  
  
**


	3. Ansem, It's Up To You!

**Hollow Blade: Chapter 3 -- Ansem, It's Up to You!  
  
Author's Note: **As I promised in chapter 2, I said that I would try to make this story better. Okay, readers, don't expect anything great. This chapter is somewhat pointless. Think of this chapter as a mere LINK for what is soon to come. This chapter is not greatly important, and does not any value to it what so ever, besides the shard-sized notion that it is a link from chapter 2, to chapter 4.  
  
o.o;  
  
**And Remember**: If Michael Jackson tries to molest your soul, just run around screaming you have a fax machine in your pants, and you're *NOT* afraid to use it. ^_^;  
  
  
**- - - -  
  
**Ansem stopped dancing around to the Brittany Spears music, and looked around.  
  
The rocks above his head started moving and crumbling. "EEEEEEK!" Ansem, the Prince of Darkness, screamed, as the boulders began to collapse from the ceiling in the Secret Spot.  
  
"Not AGAIN!" he cried, then ran towards the exit tunnel. The Secret Spot collapsed into a large pile of rubble, as Ansem ran frantically through the tunnel, screaming at the top of his lungs, waving his arms like a mad man [not that he wasn't one...].  
  
Almost reaching the end of the exit tunnel, he stopped and caught his breath. Blood pumped and throbbed through his head, as he thought of all the stuff that might have been destroyed back there. A lump began to rise in his throat.  
  
Oh no! His Barbie Dolls, his Invader Zim DVD series, his Totally Spies action figure collection, Brittany Spears posters, and anything else a young girl [or boy] could want. They were all gone! He rubbed a soft tear that streamed down his cheek with his rough, dry hands.  
  
Sighing, he stepped forwards from the edge of the tunnel, and moved away the vines and leaves that enclosed the exit.  
  
The young prince stopped dead in his tracks. He couldn't believe what he was seeing. Was he dreaming? Or was this reality? There, before Ansem's eyes, lay an enormous crater that dented the very island. The center of the deep, hot crater was in smoke and flames. He grabbed hold of a rock, to keep himself from falling after he went limp from the sight. He looked around. All of the lush, green leaves and tropical trees were burnt to a crisp of ash. The shack had been blown into splinters of wood. The ocean's waves had decreased at least six feet. All he could see with his scary yellow eyes were rubble, ash, burning embers, and smoke. Destiny Islands had been converted into a wasteland.  
  
**SOMEWHERE IN ANOTHER WORLD  
  
Some Idiot Reading This Story: **"What the--? This story sucks major fat monkey-astroturf! I thought this was supposed to be a humorous fic, not some stupid action thing!  
  
**Author:** Look at the genre, child. It says Humor and Action/Adventure. MEANING, that not everything up in hurr is gonna be funny!  
  
**Some Idiot Reading This Story: **Pfft! Yeah, well... Umm.. 'Maiselph' is better, so nyah! ::sticks out tongue::  
  
**Author: **::cuts it off with a sledge hammer.. yes, a sledge hammer:: You wanted to read this story, SO READ IT! Or let Martha Stewart DEVOUR YOUR SOOOOOOOUUUUUL!!!  
  
**BACK TO DESTINY WASTELAND  
  
**After hours upon hours of crying and whining, Ansem finally got control of himself. Yes, Destiny Islands was destroyed. Yes, he was going to die eventually. Yes, multicolored squirrels were gnawing at his legs. But did he care? NO! He was Ansem, Prince of Darkness! Lord of the Dark Forces of Evil! He was not going to give up so easily. He was pre-destined to rule the world and all of its inhabitants. Was he going to let some pathetic meteor -- that, might I add, killed off every one of his friends, burnt his island, destroyed all of the paradise's inhabitants, and crushed his Diva Stars doll collections -- going to stop him from his journey? I THINK NOT!!  
  
That's when Ansem tripped over a piece of burnt Selphie bone, and fell down inside of the crater that was in front of him. "EEEEEEEK!" he screamed, falling into the large dent in the island. Everything blurred quickly around him. He was spinning and spinning, out of control. He landed on his head, did a flip, hit his elbow, scraped his knee, and continued rolling down the hill until he finally fell face-first at the bottom of the large crater. He was covered with dirt and ash, bleeding from various parts of his body, and had most likely broken a good amount of bones.  
  
...Oooookay, so maybe it was going to stop him from his journey.  
  
  
**INSIDE OF A BEAUTIFUL, CRUMBLED CASTLE KNOWN HAS HOLLOW BASTION...  
  
**An old old lady that was green (because she had a skin infection) laughed at Ansem, while she watched his every move through a freaky little hologram thing-a-muh-jig that appeared on her stone table. She had a scary little black hood thing, that had two horn thing-a-muh-whatevers sticking out of her head, making her look like Hillary Duff whenever she gets angry. She carried a magical little staff around, just in case some idiot ever tried to harm her. She would simply wave the staff around, and the baka would combust into flames on the spot. YAY!  
  
"Poor Ansem," she began, making that Cher-like superior look on he face. "When will he ever learn that he will never succeed in taking over all of the Worlds?"  
  
**AT DESTINY WASTELANDS, INSIDE THE CRATER  
  
**Brushing away the blood and dirt from his face, Ansem got up. He looked around and saw nothing but smoke and ground inside the crater. That's when he suddenly shouted out "I'M GONNA TAKE OVER DA WORLD!!!11 LOLZZ?/"  
  
**BACK AT HOLLOW BASTION  
  
**"A meaningless effort," the scary lizard lady chuckled. "Soon, his heart will be consumed by darkness, and he will have no where to run. Mwahaha..." she said, eating a cheeseburger she got from McDonaldDuck's.  
  
  
**DESTINY WASTELANDS..  
  
**Ansem suddenly shouted. "GEE, I'M WAY TOO STRONG TO EVER GIVE IN TO DARKNESS! [giggle, giggle]! HEHE" he screamed randomly, for no reason at all. Um. Yay?  
  
**~  
  
**Playing Tic Tac Toe, her opponent being a stain glass window (because she was a very lonely, insane woman), Maleficent simply turned off the hologram and walked out of the Chapel. Making her way towards the Lift Stop, she tripped over a Heartless, and fell off of the edge of a balcony, into the the depths of the scary, foggy, misty underwater Rising Falls.... thing.... (^_^ Heartless are silly! w00t!)  
  
**~  
  
**Ansem got up, and began climbing out of the crater. He looked over to his left, and noticed something strange. It looked like fingers sticking out of the tilted gravel and dirt from the impact.  
  
"What the shoe?!" questioned Ansem, rubbing his eyes. Yes! They were fingers!  
  
"LUNCH TIME!" Ansem screamed, about to gnaw on the fingers. But then he had this insane, crazy idea of who the fingers belong to. Hurridly (because he was hungry), he gripped the hand and fingers into his palms, braced his legs, and pulled.  
  
Emerging from the gravel, inch by inch, the body began to fall out. Eventually, all of the dead, burnt body had been pulled out of the slanted ground inside of the crater. All except for the head.  
  
"Come on!" Ansem shouted, sobbing. "The head is the yummiest part!" He pulled super-extra-ultra-mega (o.O;;) hard, until finally, an oversized round thing emerged from the gravel. The body fell to the ground.  
  
The head was HUGE! "Mmm! This is enough to last me for a week!" Ansem said, drooling over the plump head. But that's when it dawned on his pretty little self. This body, with an oversized head, had red hair, and a provocative purple miniskirt, with shoes the size of a house.  
  
...KAIRI?!  
  
  
-----  
  
  
o_O; Okay, I broke my promise. This chapter SUCKED. I have a plan, though. Don't worry! But anyways, I HATE Kairi. She is like the little brat that came from Hell itself! If I could jab a dagger (I mean.. uh.. plush toy!) through any non-existent person, IT WOULD BE KAIRI. She is so annoying, and big-headed! ! KAIRI HATERS UNITE!  
  
Oh, and for future reference... **REVIEWS ARE APPRECIATED! **..Mr.Review Button thanks you..  
  



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